Last updated on November 12th, 2020 at 02:59 am
The Rat Race creates illusions in your head, it really does. Whether you’re working hard every day and barely resting—it could feel like it’s not enough. On the flip side, you could take a well-deserved rest, and then guilt consumes you.
We’ve been brainwashed to believe our accolades and outer success = our worth.
Since I’ve been home post living abroad, I’ve felt guilty. Like I’m not doing enough, like I should search harder for a job. Or maybe I should be strategically planning for my business. Or maybe I should do gigs and invest.
I look out the windows, searching for answers in this chaos—trying to find clarity in the middle of a pandemic.
But whatever path I take will probably be filled with some doubt unless I’m ok with my choices.
A few years ago, I took a sabbatical from corporate America, after only working one year (50-hour weeks). With that time alone, unworthiness consumed me. Between people asking me “what am I doing next” and wanting to work for the status quo—I was regretting my decision.
Finally, I moved abroad. I was teaching English in Thailand, where I was waking up every day at 6:30 to be at work. 8 hours/day with thirty eight 5-year-old students. On top of that, I taught online 5-10 hours a week. Then I worked on my blog a couple hours a day. And at least two days a week worked on my travel business.
I never felt like I was doing enough… how? Because I wasn’t just doing it for me, but to feel like I was doing enough outwardly.
But like I said, no matter what I pick I’d be conflicted.
I told myself when I got back to America, I’d not let the rat race get the best of me. The need to keep up with what everyone else was doing. The need to work, work, nonstop. But I’m afraid, I’ve relapsed.
Even during a pandemic, the need to work endlessly consumes me. And I fell victim to the status quo, worry, and not having faith.
No one knows what the future holds, which is beautiful within itself. There are infinite possibilities.
In this moment of stillness I’ve had to remind myself of many things. Some stuff is out of my control, but I have power over myself, my thoughts, my actions.
It’s allowed me to refocus on what truly matters and to trust my process. I know what I want, but I’m not sure how the journey will be.
This pandemic is teaching me to surrender, because I have no other options. Things are uncertain, but not just for me—for everyone.